Novocaine
by time.forgets
Summary: 'She kissed me until I thought that maybe it would be okay, that maybe we could just run away and no one would be there and we could just be.' Brittana


**A.N. I found the song 'Nicest Thing' by Kate Nash and basically I couldn't do anything until this wrote itself. I literally had no clue where it was going or anything, I just wrote so please ignore any mistakes and hopefully you like it! Please review coz I love hearing what you guys have to say :) Check out my tumblr, it has Brittana rambles, snippets of writing, both origional and fanfiction and some other riff raff ;) **explodinganyway . tumblr . com

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.**

* * *

><p><strong>Novocaine <strong>[no´vo-kān]**  
><strong>_A white crystalline powder used as a local anesthetic._

It had started out as innocent. Two best friends, it was all we had been. Just passing time and learning things for when we had to do them with boys. From the innocent kisses it moved further; showing off at parties to make people want us more, drinking and falling into a heap of limbs and hair and need at the end of the night because no one could make us feel like we did with each other.

When it got more and more common for me to wake up next to her, her perfect hair and smell and body wrapped around my own I had yelled at her. I had forced her to realise that there were no feelings; that it was just getting what we couldn't always from boys. It was masking the pain from Cheerios, from what we were doing to the Glee club, from trying to be perfect but I was cut off half-way through my rant when she pushed me harshly against the door, harder than ever before and kissed me until I was bruised and shaking and so completely full of her that nothing else even mattered. She kissed me until I thought that maybe it would be okay, that maybe we could just run away and let it be just us and no one would care and no one would be there and we could just _be_. But then I heard the tell tale click of my parents coming through the front door and I pushed her away.

When I saw the look on her face it was the first time I knew that what we were doing wasn't okay. That it wasn't just sex and no feelings and no consequences and no judgements. I knew it wasn't but I pushed it down because it was Brittany and she was a girl and I couldn't even handle going out with an idiot guy so there was no way that I could love her properly. She deserved someone so much better than me so I squashed down my feelings and my tears and tried to ignore the way her face crumpled when I closed the door. I wondered if she could feel the way my heart beat on the other side of the door the way I felt hers.

But I needed her. I was delusional to think that I could go without her for long and so before I knew it I had pushed her up against her wall, feeling the way her lips slid across mine and blocked out all of the other fucked up parts of my life. She was like a drug; blocking out reality, numbing the pain and so fucking addictive that at times that I could barely breathe.  
>"I'm sorry," she whispered into the dark still room later on and I held my breath. "I don't love you. We can keep doing this; I don't have to love you. It's gone."<br>I knew she was lying because I felt it to, the pulling, the need, the love that was buried so deep in my chest but her words gave me an excuse and despite the late hour it made me roll over and press so completely against her that I was sure she could feel my heart pounding out it's secret against her perfect chest.

We stopped again once because she was mad that I couldn't perform a stupid duet with her. It lasted a week before she turned up on my porch, shivering and apologising and pressing into me and I forgot that I had even been mad about what she had been proposing and how it lead to the totally stupid Artie thing. I forgot and let her drag me up to my room and let her run her hands across my whole body until nothing else mattered, until all I could feel was her burn and her fingers and her heart beating frantically on top of me and just for a second, right before her fingers made me tumble over the edge, I thought about what would have happened if I just sang that stupid duet with her.

"San," she whispered later on and it was so broken and tired and full of pain that it barely sounded like her. She was never sad and I sat up suddenly, the cool sheets pooling at my waist and leaving my bare chest for her to ghost her fingers over. I ignored the goosebumps and focussed on her. "Is this cheating?"  
>My heart started pounding loud in my ears. Brittany got a bit confused sometimes but she couldn't mess this up, we had talked so much about it in the past and she was looking at me so surely but worriedly and sadly and I couldn't breathe.<br>"Since I'm with Artie now?"  
>"Of course not," I said hurriedly, not able to believe that she had stayed with him, that she was back with him that she was choosing him over me because as many guys as we had dated in the past they had never counted. They had all been stupid and worthless and only used to get higher up the stupid social ladder but Artie, Artie wasn't for anyone else but Brittany. "We're just friends talking with our tongues super close."<p>

She looked at me and if I didn't have so much pride I might have started crying there, pushing her and pulling her and feeling her and demanding why she was doing this, why she was pulling away and leaving me to flounder in this giant mess without her. Her eyes were wary and I know she didn't believe what I was saying one bit, it was obvious that what we were doing was cheating, it was obvious that everything we were going to do from this day on would be looked down on even more than it was already was but just like I had weeks before, she took my excuse and smiled sadly before pressing her lips softly against mine. I cursed my heart for jumping at the soft touch and repeated the mantra through my head.

_It's just sex.  
>Just sex.<br>Sex._

And for the first time since kissing Brittany back in middle school, where we were just small and scared and curious and innocent and desperate for some kind of contact and so fucking clueless about what it would turn into, I felt empty.


End file.
